Love From Mom

If you need a good laugh, try reading through these children’s science exam answers

Q: Name the four seasons.

A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar!

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.

A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?

A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? (brilliant, love this!)

A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?

A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Q: What are steroids?

A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?

A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?

A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.

A: Premature death.

Q : How are the main parts of the body categorized? ( e.g., abdomen)

A: The body is consisted into three parts — the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels A,E,I,O, and U.

Q: What is the fibula?

A: A small lie.

Q: What does ‘varicose’ mean? (I do love this one…)

A: Nearby.

Q: Give the meaning of the term ‘Caesarian Section.’

A: The Caesarian Section is a district in Rome.

Q: What does the word ‘benign’ mean?’

A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Kids Are Quick

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America

MARIA: Here it is.

TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?

CLASS: Maria.

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TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?

JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.

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TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell ‘crocodile?’

GLENN: ‘K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L’

TEACHER: No, that’s wrong!

GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

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TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?

DONALD: H I J K L M N O.

TEACHER: What are you talking about?

DONALD: Yesterday you said it’s H to O.

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TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn’t have ten years ago.

WINNIE: Me!

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TEACHER: Glen, wh! y do yo u always get so dirty?

GLEN: Well, I’m a lot closer to the ground than you are.

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TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ‘I.’

MILLIE: I is..

TEACHER: No, Millie….. Always say, ‘I am’

MILLIE: All right… ‘I’ am the ninth letter of the alphabet.

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one of my favorites

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father’s cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn’t punish him?

LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.

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TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?

SIMON: No sir, I don’t have to. My Mom is a good cook.

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TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on ‘My Dog’ is exactly the same as your brother’s. Did you copy his?

CLYDE: No, sir. It’s the same dog.

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TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?

HAROLD: A teacher

Subject: The Gratitude Sign… for our servicemen and women!

I have often seen these soldier boys and girls in airports and elsewhere and wished I could just say thanks but in the moment mostly just looked at them and smiled. Now we have a sign that is quick and expresses our respect and gratitude to them that they will understand.

DO YOU KNOW ‘The Gratitude Sign’??????

Ever wonder how to say thank you when you see a military person in uniform?

See a simple way to do it from across a room or as you are passing by.

http://www.gratitudecampaign.org/fullmovie.php

(this is very short and to the point–you can watch the long or short version)

Click any photo to view all as a slideshow.

MAN…I’M GETTING SO FAT I CAN HARDLY SCRATCH MY OWN Back!!

THESE MORNING WALKS ARE KILLING ME!!!!

WHAT PART OF QUIET DIDN’T YOU UNDERSTAND?

OK, NOW DONT MOVE FOR ABOUT A WEEK!

SORRY MOM, I’M NEW AT THIS!

I hate it when this happens!

I’M SO CUTE, THEY WONT CARE IF I SHRED THIS!!

I REALLY NEED TO GET GOING, BUT JUST CAN’T SEEM TO GET MOTIVATED………….

Hey… gimme my BALL back!!

I said, Go to sleep!!

Nice doggie…GOOD boy

A little power nap…

Sleeping in again

WHAT PETS DO WHEN WE’RE AT WORK

HAVE YOU SMILED TODAY?????

Help make someone else Smile …. forward to a friend, I DID!

For the Last Day of the Tax Filing season, this is perfect.

As you may have heard, the Administration said each of us would get a rebate check to stimulate the economy. According to the rules of this rebate, you must file your 2007 taxes to qualify. Most of us will get a standard tax refund as well.

The question we have left is; How do WE, the people, stimulate the economy with this money?

• If we spend it at large chain stores like Wal*Mart, all the money will go to China,
• If we spend it on gasoline, it will go to the Arabs,
• If we purchase a computer, it will go to India,
• If we purchase fruits and vegetebles, it will go to Mexico, Honduras, and Guatemala,
• If we purchase a good car, it will go to Japan,
• If buy useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan,

And none of it will go to helping the American Economy.

We need to keep that money here in America.

The only way to keep that money here (and I swear, whomever thought this up, knows my mom, personally) is to spend it at YARD SALES, since those are the only businesses still in the U.S.A.

The human body is a machine that is full of wonder. This collection of human body facts will leave you wondering why we were designed the way we were.

• -Scientists say the higher your I.Q., the more you dream.
• -The largest cell in the human body is the female egg and the smallest is the male sperm.
• -You use 200 muscles to take one step.
• -The average woman is 5 inches shorter than the average man.
• -Your big toes have two bones each while the rest have three.
• -A pair of human feet contains 250,000 sweat glands.
• -A full bladder is roughly the size of a soft ball.
• -The acid in your stomach is strong enough to dissolve razor blades.
• -The human brain cell can hold 5 times as much information as the Encyclopedia Britannica.
• -It takes the food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
• -The average human dream lasts 2-3 seconds.
• -Men without hair on their chests are more likely to get cirrhosis of the liver than men with hair.
• -At the moment of conception, you spent about half an hour as a single cell.
• -There is about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
• -Your body gives off enough heat in 30 minutes to bring half a gallon of water to a boil.
• -The enamel in your teeth is the hardest substance in your body.
• -Your teeth start growing 6 months before you are born.
• -When you are looking at someone you love, your pupils dilate, and they do the same when you are looking at someone you hate.
• -Your thumb is the same length as your nose.
  • At this very moment I know full well you are putting this last fact to the test…now remove your thumb from your nose and pass this on to the friends you think might be interested in comparing their thumbs to their noses as well…

KNOW YOUR STATE MOTTO……….

Alabama
Hell Yes, We Have Electricity.

Alaska
11,623 Eskimos Can’t Be Wrong!

Arizona
Yes, But It’s A Dry Heat.

Arkansas
Lituracy Ain’t Everythang.

California
By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda.

Colorado
If You Don’t Ski, Don’t Bother.

Connecticut
Like Massachusetts, only smaller.

Delaware
We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water.

Florida
Ask Us About Our Grandkids And Our Voting Skills.

Georgia
We Put The Fun In Fundamentalist Extremism.

Hawaii
Haka Tiki Mou Sha’ami Leeki Toru
(Death To Mainland Scum,Leave Your Money)

Idaho
More Than Just Potatoes…
Well, Okay, We’re Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good

Illinois
Please, Don’t Pronounce the “S”

Indiana
2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free

Iowa
We Do Amazing Things With Corn

Kansas
First Of The Rectangle States

Kentucky
Five Million People;
Fifteen Last Names

Louisiana
We’re Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That’s Our Tourism Campaign.

Maine
We’re Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster

Maryland
If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It

Massachusetts
Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden ’s And Our Senators Are More Corrupt!

Michigan
First Line Of Defense From The Canadians

Minnesota
10,000 Lakes… And 10 Zillion Mosquitoes

Mississippi
Come visit And Feel Better About Your Own State

Missouri
Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work

Montana
Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-wing Crazies, and Honest Elections!

Nebraska
Ask About Our State Motto Contest

Nevada
Hookers and Poker!

New Hampshire
Go Away And Leave Us Alone

New Jersey
You Want A ##$%##! Motto?
I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right here!

New Mexico
Lizards Make Excellent Pets

New York
You Have The Right To Remain Silent,
You Have The Right To An Attorney…
And No Right To Self Defense!

North Carolina
Tobacco Is A Vegetable

North Dakota
We Really Are One Of The 50 States!

Ohio
At Least We’re Not Michigan

Oklahoma
Like The Play, But No Singing

Oregon
Spotted Owl… It’s What’s For Dinner

Pennsylvania
Cook With Coal, Go Steelers

Rhode Island
We’re Not REALLY An Island

South Carolina
Remember The Civil War?
Well, We Didn’t Actually Surrender Yet

South Dakota
Closer Than North Dakota

Tennessee
Home of the Al Gore Invention Museum

Texas
Se Hable Ingles

Utah
Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus

Vermont
Too liberal for the Kennedys

Virginia
Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don’t Mix?

Washington
Our Governor can out-fraud your Governor!

West Virginia
One Big Happy Family…Really!

Wisconsin
Come Cut the Cheese!

Wyoming
Where Men Are Men… And The Sheep Are Scared
Home of Brokeback Mtn.

Bet you can’t get 100% on the first try!

This is pretty neat! See how you do with the colors! Have fun!

It takes an average of 5 tries to get to 100%. Follow the directions!

It’s harder than it seems, as it should be!

A brain waker-upper for today!
———–
http://www.humorsphere.com/fun/8787/colortest.swf

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that’s more like it!)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)

A pig’s orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)
(I’m still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour
(Don’t try this at home, maybe at work)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male’s head off.
(Honey, I’m home. What the…?!)

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It’s like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes..lucky pig! Can you imagine?)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life…quality over quantity)

Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm……)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you’re ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(Okay, so that would be a good thing)

A cat’s urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)

An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain.
( I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains
(I know some people like that too.)

Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they’ll live a lot longer)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??)

Now that you’ve smiled at least once, it’s your turn to spread these crazy facts and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to, maybe even a chuckle.

In other words, send it to everyone !

(and God love that pig)

33.4% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

What would you do? You make the choice. Don’t look for a punch line, there isn’t one. Read it anyway. My question is: Would you have made the same choice?

At a fundraising dinner for a school that serves learning-disabled children, the father of one of the students delivered a speech that would never be forgotten by all who attended. After extolling the school and its dedicated staff, he offered a question: ‘When not interfered with by outside influences, everything nature does is done with perfection. Yet my son, Shay, cannot learn things as other children do. He cannot understand things as other children do. Where is the natural order of things in my son?’

The audience was stilled by the query.

The father continued. ‘I believe that when a child like Shay, physically and mentally handicapped comes into the world, an opportunity to realize true human nature presents itself, and it comes in the way other people treat that child.’

Then he told the following story:

Shay and his father had walked past a park where some boys Shay knew were playing baseball. Shay asked, ‘Do you think they’ll let me play?’ Shay’s father knew that most of the boys would not want someone like Shay on their team, but the father also understood that if his son were allowed to play, it would give him a much-needed sense of belonging and some confidence to be accepted by others in spite of his handicaps.

Shay’s father approached one of the boys on the field and asked (not expecting much) if Shay could play. The boy looked around for guidance and said, ‘We’re losing by six runs and the game is in the eighth inning. I guess he can be on our team and we’ll try to put him in to bat in the ninth inning.’

Shay struggled over to the team’s bench and, with a broad smile, put on a team shirt .. His Father watched with a small tear in his eye and warmth in his heart. The boys saw the father’s joy at his son being accepted. In the bottom of the eighth inning, Shay’s team scored a few runs but was still behind by three. In the top of the ninth inning, Shay put on a glove and played in the right field. Even though no hits came his way, he was obviously ecstatic just to be in the game and on the field, grinning from ear to ear as his father waved to him from the stands. In the bottom of the ninth inning, Shay’s team scored again. Now, with two outs and the bases loaded, the potential winning run was on base and Shay was scheduled to be next at bat.

At this juncture, do they let Shay bat and give away their chance to win the game? Surprisingly, Shay was given the bat. Everyone knew that a hit was all but impossible because Shay didn’t even know how to hold the bat properly, much less connect with the ball.

However, as Shay stepped up to the plate, the pitcher, recognizing that the other team was putting winning aside for this moment in Shay’s life, moved in a few steps to lob the ball in softly so Shay could at least make contact. The first pitch came and Shay swung clumsily and missed. The pitcher again took a few steps forward to toss the ball softly towards Shay. As the pitch came in, Shay swung at the ball and hit a slow ground ball right back to the pitcher.

The game would now be over. The pitcher picked up the soft grounder and could have easily thrown the ball to the first baseman. Shay would have been out and that would have been the end of the game.

Instead, the pitcher threw the ball right over the first baseman’s head, out of reach of all team mates. Everyone from the stands and both teams started yelling, ‘Shay, run to first! Run to first!’ Never in his life had Shay ever run that far, but he made it to first base. He scampered down the baseline, wide-eyed and startled.

Everyone yelled, ‘Run to second, run to second!’ Catching his breath, Shay awkwardly ran towards second, gleaming and struggling to make it to the base. By the time Shay rounded towards second base, the right fielder had the ball … the smallest guy on their team who now had his first chance to be the hero for his team. He could have thrown the ball to the second-baseman for the tag, but he understood the pitcher’s intentions so he, too, intentionally threw the ball high and far over the third-baseman’s head.. Shay ran toward third base deliriously as the runners ahead of him circled the bases toward home.

All were screaming, ‘Shay, Shay, Shay, all the Way Shay’

Shay reached third base because the opposing shortstop ran to help him by turning him in the direction of third base, and shouted, ‘Run to third ! Shay, run to third!’

As Shay rounded third, the boys from both teams, and the spectators, were on their feet screaming, ‘Shay, run home! Run home!’ Shay ran to home, stepped on the plate, and was cheered as the hero who hit the grand slam and won the game for his team.

‘That day’, said the father softly with tears now rolling down his face, ‘the boys from both teams helped bring a piece of true love and humanity into this world’.

Shay didn’t make it to another summer. He died that winter, having never forgotten being the hero and making his father so happy, and coming home and seeing his Mother tearfully embrace her little hero of the day!

AND NOW A LITTLE FOOTNOTE TO THIS STORY: We all send thousands of jokes through the e-mail without a second thought, but when it comes to sending messages about life choices, people hesitate. The crude, vulgar, and often obscene pass freely through cyberspace, but public discussion about decency is too often suppressed in our schools and workplaces..

If you’re thinking about forwarding this message, chances are that you’re probably sorting out the people in your address book who aren’t the ‘appropriate’ ones to receive this type of message. Well, the person who sent you this believes that we all can make a difference. We all have thousands of opportunities every single day to help realize the ‘natural order of things.’ So many seemingly trivial interactions between two people present us with a choice: Do we pass along a little spark of love and humanity or do we pass up those opportunities and leave the world a little bit colder in the process?

A wise man once said every society is judged by how it treats it’s least
fortunate amongst them.

You now have two choices:
1. Delete
2. Forward